I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
