I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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