New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
