I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
