I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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