new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
