OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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