I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
