my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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