Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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