I feel great
I just peed on a car
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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