The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
