I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
Hahaha April fools!
NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.