I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
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I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
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It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away