I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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