this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
