Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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