Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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