Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
