Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
