I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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