He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
