Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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