You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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