I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
