Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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