Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
