It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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