The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
