the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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