I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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