dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Randomize
