So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
