i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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