My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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