So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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