my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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