I will die if light touches me.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Randomize
