genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i came on her dog
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
