Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
