bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
