How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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