omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
