I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
