fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
She told me I should be a condom model.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
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