2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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