2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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