and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
