I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Randomize
