Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
