When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
