You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
