battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
