My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
