Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Randomize
