I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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