if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
