dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
